"The Body" - What Not To Say
The number one words that I hated when a loved one passed on was that this person now becomes "the body". Who gives anyone the right to call my dearly beloved, "the body". Parents haven't even associated the word death with their child and suddenly they are "the body". I wanted to howl the first time I heard someone say that and then very quickly made my feelings clear to everyone involved.
Yes, so many times we walk away with the thought flashing across our minds, "I can't believe they just said that". We believe that people are well intentioned but please take a moment to stop and think, before your speak.
Yes, we forgive them eventually because we realise they didn't know what to say and put their foot in it. Or you find that they start avoiding you and start looking uncomfortable in our presence. People get over it because one day it will be your turn.
There are plenty more appropriate ways to comfort the bereaved. Let's move past the cliché's and phrases such as "you're doing great," "time heals all wounds," "everything happens for a reason," "be glad you have other children," "your child wouldn't want you to feel this way," "you are so strong," "God had a plan," "God will never give you more than you can handle".
REALLY! Have we suddenly become imbeciles because we've lost a loved one. Please don't insult us with these platitudes, we know all about them and yes, in some instances have used them, but no more..
We DO need your comfort and support but the greatest thing you can do for us is to simply listen. Listen like you really want to hear or care about what we have to say, don't nod absentmindedly because why even bother then. You leave us feeling even worse.
Don't tell us "time heals all wounds," because we can't see a future without our
loved one. You could turn this around and say, "I know healing will be a long process for you; I will be here for you."
"You should be crying, it's not good if you don't cry". Thank you very much for your concern but we will cry in our own time and space and even if you never see us cry it does not mean that we loved our departed any less.
"Be glad you have other children." So, because I have some "spares" it makes my pain less than a mother who has lost her only child. I have a surprise for you....even if I had 50 kids I would mourn the death of each and every one exactly the same because I love them.
"You're so strong." Ah, the bereaved are great actors. In fact when I hear that, I often mumble under my breath "and the Oscar goes to me!" We can come across as emotionless because sometimes, we are! It's our protection. It's what helps us go and pick out those flowers and a coffin, and clothing for our loved ones.
Grieving takes a major toll on minds and bodies and souls therefore there is little strength to share. One could make this comment instead: "I know on the outside you look strong, but I'd say on the inside you're probably broken. I'm here to support you at any time."
One more example not listed: "God wouldn't have wanted her/him to suffer." The grieving are thinking, "I didn't want her to suffer in the first place. Any reminders of that painful experience are heartbreaking and we don't particularly want to be reminded of our lost one's suffering.
Please continue to mention our loved ones name. Almost four months later, I still talk about my daughter in the present tense. She was a part of our lives for 28 years and it doesn't stop only because she is no longer breathing.
This blog is not intended to bash anybody but give you and insight into what is going on in the inside. We would appreciate feedback from the other side.
